MIZZOU JOKES
(aka KU bashing jokes)
Thanks to Dan Poth for sending these to me.
An MU building contractor, discussing paint schemes with a couple, asked which color they had picked for their kitchen. The lady responded with vanilla white. "No problem" the MU grad replied as he opened the window and screamed out "GREEN SIDE UP". The couple didn't think much of it and proceeded into the living room. The MU grad then asked which color they had decided on for the living room and they replied with hazelnut beige. At that point the MU grad opened the window and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP". The couple, worried at this point but not saying anything, followed the contractor into the master bedroom. The contractor asked the couple what color they wanted the bedroom painted and they indicated pure white was their favorite. Once again the contractor opened the window and blasted "GREEN SIDE UP". That's when the lady spoke, "Sir, we've been in three rooms, each a different color, but you scream "green side up" after we tell you a color for the room, what's up? "I'm sorry" the contractor said, "I should have told you before we started, I've got a couple of KU grads laying sod outside."
There's a guy from MU driving from Columbia to Lawrence, and a guy from KU driving from Lawrence to Columbia. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Tiger manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Jayhawk scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Jayhawk walks over to the Tiger and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The Tiger thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck." So the Tiger pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Jayhawk, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Jayhawk says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Jayhawk hands it back to the Tiger and says, "Your turn! The Tiger twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
One day Johnny came home very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up at around 'P'!" His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because we're a KU family." The next day, Johnny was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else messed up around seven!" "Very good dear," his mother replied. "That's because we're KU a family." On the third day, Johnny was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because we are a KU family?" "No dear," she said, "it's because you're 26 years old."
A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a blue hat, red pants, blue sweater, and white shoes." The clerk says, "Are you a Jayhawk fan?" "Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess--by the color combination?" "No," answers the clerk, "this is a hardware store."
LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND JAYHAWKS
I GIVE YOU THE...TOP 95 Reasons I hate KU
95. A favorite pickup line of KU football players... "Hey, didn't we almost flunk out together?"
94. The 'University Daily Kansas' never prints the odds on the Jayhawk basketball team beating the Tigers in the Hearnes Center because their keyboard doesn't have the infinity sign.
93. In Lawrence, a "quarterback" is what a wealthy KU fan tips his waiter.
92. It's easy to tell when finals are approaching at KU - the basketball players start buying their books.
91. Coach Roy Williams favorite kind of party is whine and cheese.
90. KU students think lowfat milk comes from skinny cows.
89. Until his senior year at KU, Danny Manning dotted the "i" in his name with a heart.
88. Jayhawk football players spend 20 minutes at a time staring at orange juice cans that say "concentrate."
87. Someone needs to tell the KU medical school that Dr. Pepper isn't really medicine.
86. KU students think that Diet Coke will help them lose weight and get high at the same time.
***** SPECIAL EDITION *******
Top Five "Required Reading" Books at KU Business School: Note - Audio tapes are provided for obvious reasons.
85. "Line, Symbol, and Pie - Oh Those Colorful Graphs!"
84. "Selecting the Clip-On Power Tie That's Right for You"
83. "Elderly Employees -Easier To Bully...And Other Effective Hiring Strategies"
82. "Funny Looking People on Foreign Money: A History"
81. "Make Big $$$ Selling Your Unused Prescriptions"
***** SPECIAL EDITION *******
Danny Manning's 10 toughest classes while in Lawrence:
80. Basketweaving 101
79. Basketweaving 101.5
78. Beginner's Golf
77. Intermediate Microwaving
76. Intermediate Dog Paddling
75. Accelerated Study - "Winnie the Pooh"
74. How To Make An American Quilt
73. Kansas Basketball History (2 week course, .5 credit hours)
72. Flash Cards 101 71. Interpreting Dicky Vitale
***** SPECIAL EDITION *******
TOP FIVE GUESSES WHAT THE "KU" STANDS FOR ON THE JAYHAWK FOOTBALL HELMETS:
70. Kick Us
69. Kickback University
68. Kathie lee's Underlings
67. Kevin's Uncle (only for players with nephews named Kevin)
66. Knothing Upstairs
65. The national basketball champ is "KU" spelled backward.
64. KU's football program peaks in July.
63. What's red and blue, 100 yards long, and has 2 teeth? - The front row at Memorial Stadium.
62. Former KU coach Glen Mason's revolutionary halftime strategy involved allowing his players to nap for 20 minutes so they'd be "April Fresh" for the second half.
61. Six words guaranteed to break the heart of any KU cheerleader... "Sorry honey, we're out of bacon."
60. If Roy Williams were the captain of the Titanic, he'd have said "We're just stopping for ice."
59. While were on Roy... If Roy concentrated as much on the game as he does on his wardrobe, the Jayhawks might win another championship.
58. Oh yes, Roy..........Roy Williams often contradicts himself - and he is usually right.
57. Speaking of Roy......Roy's ego is so huge, he bows when it thunders. (And I know. I had the painful misfortune of having to sit next to Roy, waaaay back in coach, on a flight from Kansas City to Charlotte two years ago. If you think he is a prick in public, you ought to meet him!)
56. Roy's latest venture...Roy is currently working on a book titled "The 10 Biggest Games I've Choked In At Hearnes Center."
55. Chancellor Robert E. Hemenway once defend his university by saying, "Unlike some schools I could name, KU's professors won't be skipping classes to accept any of those fancy Nobel prizes anytime soon."
54. The KU coaching staff had to start holding separate Wive's Day and Girlfriend's Day because some guys were bringing both.
53. KU's greatest academic achievement from the engineering department was a brochure explaining the correct way to set VCR clocks.
52. KU students think they're getting a "higher education" just because KU is on a hill.
51. KU fans have a love-hate relationship with Norm Stewart-they'd love him to retire because they hate losing to him every year.
50. Many famous coaches have come from Kansas, but few have stayed.
49. Most KU graduates are so dull, they can't even entertain a doubt.
48. Coach Terry Allen recently asked his players what they planned to be doing at age 40. The majority said they hoped to be close to graduating.
47. If a train leaves Milwaukee at 2 p.m. going 40 mph and another train leaves Chicago at 3 p.m. going 50 mph, and there is a 28 mph northwesterly wind, which train gets to KU first? - the unlucky one.
46. Former coach Glen Mason once said, "The best thing about KU football is that it only takes four quarters to finish a fifth."
45. Most KU grads believe that nondairy creamer comes from dehydrated cows.
44. The KU weight room features the best quality La-Z-Boy products available.
43. One KU basketball recruit got his red BMW the hard way...he bought it.
42. KU fans think that a honeymoon is when lovers bare their buttocks towards a public building.
41. O.J. should have fled to Lawrence...nobody would think to look for a football player there.
40. A Jayhawk coed sold her computer because it missed a period and she thought it was pregnant.
39. Before receiving their diplomas, KU players must show proof of purchase slips for at least 2 textbooks.
38. A KU athlete was so proud of the silver medal he won in Nagano, he had it bronzed.
37. Former coach Larry Brown once said that his fondest memory of KU was the day he left.
36. One KU student was so distraught after yesterday's game and his lost $500 wager, he went double or nothing on the ESPN SportsCenter recap.
35. A popular KU pick-up line overheard at the Hawk, "For a fat girl, you don't sweat much."
34. Most common response, "Thanks."
33. The Jayhawks dribble all over themselves, but that doesn't make them Basketball players.
32. KU's graduation ceremony is traditionally followed by a caravan to Columbia so KU grads can get a chance to meet their new bosses.
31. After Roy Williams dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Roy a little two bedroom house with a faded KU banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Roy looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. MU flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Mizzou banner hangs between the marble columns. Roy says, "Thanks for the house, God. But, let me ask you a question. I get this little two bedroom house with a faded banner and Norm Stewart gets a mansion with new MU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that? God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not Norm's house," God says. "That's mine."
** SPECIAL EDITION **
"The 5 best things about the KU campus"
30. It's only 45 miles to get to Kansas City.
29. It's only 81 miles to get to Manhattan.
28. It's only 161 miles to get to Wichita.
27. It's only 95 miles to get to Warrensburg.
26. It's only 160 miles to get to Columbia.
25. KU students think that an instant camera must be stirred into boiling water.
24. Some KU coeds are so stuck-up that the bags under their eyes are by Gucci.
23. The KU med school never has to buy lab rats - they just look under the seats at Allen Fieldhouse.
22. KU's most frequent alumni donations are returned diplomas.
21. The fire at KU's library was a real tragedy because some the books had yet to be colored.
20. It has been proven that the oral care category, specifically dentifrice, was invented in Lawrence, KS. We know this because, had it been invented anywhere else, it would be known as TEETHpaste.
19. KU Basketball players have led the Big 12 in every category except hours spent in the library.
18. KU custodial staff is comprised entirely of alumni.
17. Jayhawk basketball players are required to know how to spell ESPN before they graduate.
16. KU students think safe sex means closing the car door.
***SPECIAL EDITION***
FIVE TOUGHEST REQUIREMENTS FOR ACCEPTANCE AT KU......
15. You must know at least 3 of the letters in your last name.
14. You must make at least a 12 on the ACT (unless you can dunk)
13. You must be able to "Wave the Wheat."
12. You must be able to correctly name Glen Mason's favorite pastime. (hint: it isn't coaching football)
11. You must correctly name the capital of Kansas. (and "K" doesn't count!)
10. The Rock Chalk Chant is the closest thing to literature to ever come out of KU.
9. The difference between Jayhawk football and a dollar bill is that a dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.
8. Glen Mason left for Georgia but quickly returned to Kansas when he found out they wouldn't let him date cheerleaders until the off-season.
7. Looking at the KU campus makes you wonder why Dorothy was in such hurry to get out of Oz.
6. The Wheel, Jayhawk, Tellers, and several other bars in Lawrence have instituted a new rule forbidding KU Cheerleaders from opening bottles with their teeth.
5. If KU students seem upset at graduation, it's because they realize they'll soon have to learn to spell the name of another city.
4. The median IQ of Lawrence doubles every time the Jayhawk football team plays an away game.
3. Usually the biggest bone of contention when KU grads divorce is who gets to keep the trailer.
2. First prize in a recent radio station giveaway was a pair of KU football tickets. Second prize was 2 pair.
And the number one reason "Why I Hate Kansas".....
1. The only good thing to come out of Lawrence is I-70.
A couple, after years of marriage decided to file for divorce. They had a five-year-old son and had to go before the judge to decide on custody. Once there, they asked the judge to allow their son to decide who he wanted to live with since they felt he was mature, bright and intelligent enough to decide who he wanted to live with. The judge decided that even though that was a strange request he would allow it. The judge took the boy back in his chambers and explained to the boy what his mom and dad wanted. Then the judge asked the little boy " Do you want to live with your mom"? "No, she beats me", the boy replied. The judge said "Well, I can set up some counseling for you and your mom." "No, she beats me", the boy replied. Then the judge asked the little boy "Do you want to live with your dad"? "No, he beats me", the boy replied. The judge said "Well, I can set up some counseling for you and your dad." "No, he beats me" the boy replied. The judge sat back and thought for a moment, then asked the boy, "Well whom do you want to live with?" The little boy said, "I want to live at Kansas University." The judge said, "Kansas University, why on earth would you want to live there? The little boy replied, "Because, they don't beat anybody."
Four Alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big 12 school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top. The Sooner hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for OU!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for K State!" Seeing this, the Mizzou Tiger walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Jayhawk off the side of the mountain."
A Kansas City area mortician had an apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. The apprentice went into the room where a cadaver was laying on a table. Thinking he knew enough to begin without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over, and to his amazement, there was a cork shoved in the rear end. Mystified, he pulled the cork out and heard in a low drone "ROCK, CHALK JAYHAWK, goooooooo KUUUUUUU." Startled, he shoved the cork back in, and ran upstairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come downstairs immediately and help me,"he said. "I've just seen something that I cannot believe." Annoyed by the naivete of his assistant, the mortician followed him downstairs to check itout. The apprentice rolled over the body and said, "There, look at the cork in that ass; now pull it out." The mortician was sort of surprised; he didn't see too many things like this, so he pulled the cork out and heard ROCK, CHALK JAYHAWK, goooooo KUUUUUUU." Exasperated, he put the cork back in its appointed position. "What's so surprising about that?" he asked his intern. " I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"